Empathi Health Research

The State of Relationships

2026

Figs O'Sullivan, LMFT

Empathi's Founder & Couples Therapist

What 41,078 survey respondents told us about love, disconnection, and the patterns that keep couples stuck.

Based on 41,078 completed assessments · empathi.com Jo and Pat -- the reactive cycle

Finding 01 The Loneliness Finding

The most common feeling inside love isn't anger. It's aloneness.

In this study, we asked 41,078 survey respondents what they feel deep down when love isn't working. More people named "alone" than rejected, abandoned, or hopeless combined.

33%

of all respondents named alone as their deepest vulnerable feeling

13,638 people. One in three. The loneliness epidemic doesn't live outside relationships. It lives inside them.

More than rejected. More than abandoned. More than hopeless. The deepest wound of disconnection is not "I hate you" -- it's "I am invisible to you."

Finding 02 How We Move in Love

More than half of us pursue. Nearly half of us withdraw.

Attachment style split across 36,300 people. Two patterns. Two creatures. One cycle that traps both.

Relentless Lovers

Pursuers

56.6%

20,552 people

Reluctant Lovers

Withdrawers

43.4%

15,748 people

Pat

5,365 couples -- both partners completed

74.3%

Pursue -- Withdraw

Jo pursuing, Pat retreating

13.0%

Withdraw -- Withdraw

Pat & Sam both retreating

12.7%

Pursue -- Pursue

Jo & Jean both reaching hard

"Both partners in a pursue-withdraw relationship describe their partner as withdrawn. Each person believes the other one is pulling away -- at the same time."

Empathi Research — 41,078 assessments

Finding 03 What We're Most Hungry For

The number one unmet need is not love, not sex. It's being a team.

In stuck moments, what do people wish they felt with their partner? The top answer reveals something profound about modern loneliness inside relationships.

Like we're a team

17,438

Understood

16,495

Heard

9,960

Loved

8,379

Appreciated

5,782

People aren't just lonely. They feel abandoned by their closest ally. The unmet need isn't affection -- it's alliance.

Finding 04 The Depth Underneath

What lives under the anger.

Reactivity is a signal. Under every fight, under every withdrawal, there is a softer truth. We asked what that truth is.

Jo -- pursuing

Pat -- being defensive

Deep vulnerable feelings

The soft truth underneath reactivity

Alone

13,638

Rejected

12,082

Sad

12,054

Abandoned

8,833

Hopeless

6,512

Shame story

How we collapse under pressure

Not enough

7,666

A failure

4,585

Inadequate

4,534

Needy

3,801

Unlovable

3,728

Jo -- reaching vulnerably

Pat -- opening up

Finding 05 Too Much or Not Enough?

Whether we feel too much or not enough -- the wound is identical.

In the toughest moments of conflict, how do people see themselves? A near-even split -- but both sides carry the same shame.

52.7%

"Not Enough"

A failure or not enough -- I can't seem to make them happy.

21,741 people

47.3%

"Too Much"

Annoying or too much -- I'm needy, too emotional, or too demanding.

19,537 people

A near-even split. Whether someone feels too much or not enough, the underlying wound is identical: I am the reason love isn't working. The shame story is almost universal. Only the flavour differs.

Both wounds are nearly universal. Whether someone pursues or withdraws, they collapse on themselves in almost equal numbers.

Finding 06 What We Do When We're Scared

Reactive behaviors -- by attachment type.

Relentless Lovers pursue until they collapse. The data shows that shut down and withdraw are their second and third most common behaviors. What looks like a withdrawer is sometimes a pursuer who has given up.

Relentless Lovers (Pursuers)

Ask questions

5,664

Shut down

5,293

Withdraw

4,916

Argue

3,881

Get defensive

3,588

Reluctant Lovers (Withdrawers)

Shut down

6,037

Withdraw

5,220

Get defensive

5,105

Ask questions

2,406

Argue

2,386

"Relentless Lovers pursue until they collapse. Shut down and withdraw are their second and third most common behaviors. What looks like a withdrawer is sometimes a pursuer who has given up."

Figs O'Sullivan, LMFT — Empathi

74% of couples who completed together are pursue-withdraw. This is not a niche dynamic. It is the dominant architecture of modern relationships.

Discover Your Pattern

Where do you and your partner fall?

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